Endless emails and hustles: Is this the White House or the home shopping network? | Opinion
Buy my cup! Buy my cap! Buy my coin! Buy my country!
Despite my many attempts to unsubscribe, I can’t opt out of the constant incoming hustles to buy tchotchkes and claim prizes from the current President of the United States.
And no, I have never seen anything like Donald Trump’s nonstop efforts to fill his apparently unfillable coffers from any other candidate or officeholder.
Just now, I got word that he is holding one of his completely SOLD OUT DARK MAGA HATS, as worn by Elon in the Oval, just for me, but only until 11:59 p.m. Is this the White House, or the home shopping network?
The one right before that said, “Melinda, hello! MANDATORY POLL: Do you still support DOGE?”
As much as ever, sir. That’s not like a mandatory vaccine, is it? All answers to this pretend poll, of course, are in the affirmative, since all involve a donation.
But for the low, low suggested minimum gift of $20.25, I guess I could communicate to no one in particular that I am not the world’s biggest fan of letting children anywhere die because USAID was investigating Elon Musk’s Starlink, or of gutting the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration that regulates Tesla.
I also kind of liked having eyes on the banking industry, via the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, and don’t see why giving Musk’s team access to private taxpayer data is a remotely good idea. The National Weather Service seemed to me to provide a vital service, but who needs a heads up on storms, I guess. Or disaster relief from FEMA after they occur. Or FAA safety inspectors. Or health research for our military veterans. And I can’t wait to hear the justification for mass firings at the NIH Alzheimer’s Research Center named for former Missouri Sen. Roy Blunt.
I am in multiple ways a poor prospect for these email efforts, having so far donated $0 to any politician ever.
But this is a volume game, so Team Trump never sleeps, apprising me several times a day about all of the special advisory boards to which I have been appointed and merch I can grab, but only if I ACT NOW, because there are always only a few pink MAGA hats or signed photos left in stock.
Not to brag, but I have already been awarded the TRUMP GOLDEN EAGLE — twice, in fact — and am eligible for an official Oval Office badge.
Sometimes, the online Trump in my inbox is kind of pouty: “Did you receive my email yesterday?” Every so often, he asks an actual question, like “Should I audit the IRS into oblivion?” Sure, because who needs our taxpayer-funded military or Medicare?
But every day, only I can stop the “Democrat Regime,” whatever that is, and keep Trump from being impeached again, by sending my money to someone who through all his grifting finally is an actual billionaire, as if that makes any sense.
“My first ever mid-month deadline as president is today, and this offer ends at midnight. So please, accept your official METAL TRUMP CABINET CARD asap before we shut this offer down FOREVER.” Or not.
Though these grubby grabs are quaint compared to the Trump crypto coin play that The Wall Street Journal called a conflict of interest and remarkably poor judgment, what depresses me is the thought that if this stuff didn’t work, his online army wouldn’t keep at it.
I still remember the day when I walked home from my aunt’s house alarmed that my dad’s highly educated older sister believed that she was Ronald Reagan’s special adviser, and that he was counting on her counsel in his 1976 presidential run, because that’s what all of the direct mail and trinkets she’d been sent said. How shady to take advantage like that, I thought.
No other president, though, has cashed in on his office the way this one has, while doing his best to raise prices and while firing the federal workers who — oh, also live right here, and do work that every one of us depends on. When he takes over the U.S. Postal Service, he will have put himself in charge of absentee ballots.
Still, there are compensatory bargains to be had for passionate patriots like myself. For only $20, for instance, I could sign up for “instant alerts on New Trump Merch.”
I might be persuaded to kick in something for the honor of not being alerted, ever again. Is this the one unexplored revenue stream?
This story was originally published February 22, 2025 at 4:06 AM with the headline "Endless emails and hustles: Is this the White House or the home shopping network? | Opinion."
