Faith | Do you want to feel connected to others? Share your stories

Due to prior unavoidable commitments, my cousin and I could not attend the family wedding many miles away.

It seemed like everyone else in our extended family would be there, thus our missing the blessed event and boisterous gathering was difficult to accept. And so, far from the festivities, we got together to commiserate.

At one point in our mutual, frustrated lamenting, one of us quipped, “Remember the time that ... ?” We burst out laughing, as we both knew the story.

That shared memory led to another and another, many funny, some meaningful, and even a few sad. Story after story took us late into the evening as we laughed and cried, often at the same time. Occasionally only one of us knew a certain account, but most of the narrative we cousins held in common.

But here’s the thing: he is full Korean and I am a Northern European mishmash. We are not related by blood, yet we are completely of the same family, he by loving adoption and me by loving birth. What connects us? What makes us cousins with the same grandparents? Stories. Stories that we share, forming a solid foundation of an enduring family homestead.

Stated in the positive, manifold shared stories and the storyline help define and fortify our common sense of being, belonging, and behaving.

Taken together across vertical generations (parents, grandparents) and horizontal (siblings, cousins), even when we quibble about the details we are still talking about the same meaningful things. Further, the sense of family applies to many of our social connections, collaborations, and relationships when stories create community and common history.

Stated in the negative, when we don’t feel close to someone, we often blame it on having little in common, having few shared stories.

A scarcity of narrative—that helps to tell us together who we are, whose we are, and how and why we do what we do—forms a flimsy foundation under a shaky home. Likewise, false stories, toxic secrets, and lies fabricate an artificial sense of camaraderie, meaning, or purpose like cardboard houses with phony fronts built on sand.

The power of story to fashion family is as old as dirt. All oral and written traditions, secular and religious, are at least intended to create community and common history.

In the Bible, a story that binds Jews together begins “My ancestor was a wandering Aramean ... .” (Deuteronomy 26:5ff). Many Christian congregations sing a hymn of mutual memory, “Tell me the old, old story of Jesus and his love.”

Most USA citizens know proclamations like, “When in the course of human events. ... ,” “Four score and seven years ago ... ,” and “I have a dream ... .” Some, but not all, sing civic anthems together, “My country, ‘tis of thee ... ,” “O say, can you see ... ?” and even “Sweet Caroline” (OK, only if you are a Red Sox fan). But the purpose and function of shared stories are the same: to create community and commonality, for better or worse.

Let us strive for the better!