In a ‘dark night’ of powerlessness, let go and let God help

I am powerless. My life has become unmanageable.

This is a reality that we experience in life and death situations, illness, loss of job or marriage. Yet, perhaps we do not have the awareness that we are powerless over it, that our lives have become unmanageable.

This is the very first step in the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is a very important first step because without it, no intervention for recovery is possible. It is also a very difficult one because it is just so hard to admit!

When I worked as a hospital chaplain, I experienced this powerlessness in others played out through anger, restlessness, worries, frantic actions, out of control reactions and the like. Behind it all was powerlessness. I have journeyed with so many people beset by this situation and held their hands, wrapped them in my arms, cried with them, prayed with them in silence because I knew, too, I was powerless with them.

You might think I know it all because of my experiences as a chaplain. Not so, because I, too, have my blinders

I experienced the darkest moment of my life two years ago. Only now do I realize and admit that I was powerless over it and that my life had become unmanageable at that time. I did not know any better then, but my family and friends gave me the direction I needed. God, through them, led me by the hand and out of the situation that was killing me.

I experienced a “dark night of the soul.”

Back then, I couldn’t tell you how I ever managed to get over to the other side that was light — God’s light. But I did and there was a deep, quiet joy in my heart even though I felt something was still missing.

But one day while taking a walk, it dawned on me that I was powerless over that darkness. That was the crux of the matter — I was powerless and necessarily had to turn my life over to God ... to let go and let God take over.

Two years passed before I was able to see and admit the whole picture of my powerlessness.

I think people who have gone through the 12 Steps understand how long it takes to admit and accept this reality. And when I did, everything fell into place ... the questions, doubts, feelings of guilt and regret were now understood in a different light. “ ... unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit.” John 12:24 (NABRE)

I was lost, then I turned to God: “Please take over. I cannot mind my wheels.”

God’s love impelled me to die to my anger, hatred and the darkness in my soul.

“Let go,” I heard God telling me, “and forgive.”

That was a hard one, but my faith and trust in God prevailed.

“Help me, show me how,” I prayed, “for the grace of forgiveness.”

In awe and surprise, I was able to forgive — and that action liberated me from the bondage that had gripped my soul.

Two years hence, I was given the eyes to see the process I went through. When I let go and let God, I witnessed the radiant, luminous and magnificent truth of God’s unconditional love and mercy.

I think you, who have experienced this powerlessness, can relate to my experience. And for those who are struggling, I pray you will have the grace to see, admit and surrender to this powerlessness.

And why not? God’s unimaginable love and mercy is waiting for us on the other side of our difficult journey.

This story was originally published January 18, 2018 at 8:08 PM with the headline "In a ‘dark night’ of powerlessness, let go and let God help."