Light Notes

1 billion folks can sympathize with me

Sniff. Sniff. Achoo!

I hab a code in mah node. (Translation: I have a cold in my nose.)

It seems like a tacky topic. But after seeing a full-page newspaper story on that very matter, I feel compelled to share mine.

Cough. Cough.

Hopefully, the other 1 billion cold-sufferers haven’t had the opportunity.

However, because I’m conscientious, I feel that I must warn people within close proximity — including Texas — that I’m contagious.

If you’re reading this it’s too late — or at least I think it’s too late.

I’m not sure how the 200 varieties of cold viruses work, but since you’re on your computer and viruses infect computers, it seems to me that you may be in danger.

Breathe deeply. You wanted a sick day anyway.

The good news is there’s a perfect cold remedy. It came from my daughter, Tiffany, when I phoned her the other day.

“Mom, you need to smash a clove of garlic and put it in a fruit smoothie,” she opined. “It’s guaranteed to work.”

“But I’m going to the dentist for my teeth-cleaning,” I whined. “I probably shouldn’t use that remedy before I... ah... ah... achoo! ... go.”

“Listen,” Tiffany lectured. “You need to get well. And the sooner you start with the zinc lozenges, Airborne and garlic, the better off you’ll be.”

Maybe she did have the answer, I thought to myself.

Later, I arrived at the dental office. When the receptionist’s eyes began to water, they whisked me into the dental chair. Staff moved aside like the parting of the Red Sea.

The hygienist arrived masked, gloved and ready to set a record.

“I’ve been thinking,” she gagged, as she set my next appointment. “You really don’t have to come back until 6 months from now, instead of the usual four.”

That’s a first. And for the life of me, I can’t figure it out.

Sniff. Sniff.