Movie News & Reviews

'Cheerleader Ninjas' unworthy of rental

I've said it before, but one of the biggest keys to success is insomething as simple as your name.

If tomorrow you wake up, have a kid, and name that kid Darth Vader, I personally guarantee that baby willgrow up to rule at least a county auditor's seat.

But every rule's got exceptions. On title alone, 2002's CheerleaderNinjas should have rocked so hard I'd watch it on repeat until Ideveloped a symbiotic relationship with my couch. Instead, itde-rocked me so thoroughly I had to give Big Awful Friday a ring andplead for it to cover a couple weeks early this month.

Outraged at the prevalence of Internet porn, local Catholic schoolteachers hatch a plot to replace all the images on the 'net withpictures of the Pope. To accomplish this crime, they'll need toharness the power of teenage male nerds — the same nerds the rival highschool cheer squad needs to get them in touch with the ninja masterwho'll train them to defend themselves against a Catholic schoolgirlhit-squad.

Based on that description alone, 900 of you have alreadyrushed out to rent it, but to the dismay of all, the reality isinfinitely disappointing. All of that may sound great, but what itleaves out is the excruciating barrage of "jokes" based on the keeninsight that teen geeks enjoy touching themselves, smelling bad, andthen putting their hands down their pants some more.

Amazingly, that grating "throw everything at the wall and see whatsticks" take on humor is only the beginning of the ways CheerleaderNinjas finds to fail. I spend more on toothpaste each year than itspent on its budget, and I don't even have teeth. Being poor isn't acrime — yet — but just about everything else about this movie is.

Gathering all the senseless nudity and duh-duh stupidity of an '80steen sex romp with none of the bustling plot or the being funny, it'sa lot like if Revenge of the Nerds were made by people whopersonally hate you. (Yet 100% of its jokes about bears are genuinelyhilarious. Bears: even funnier than Canadians.)

Worst of all, Cheerleader Ninjas frequently interrupts itselfto comment on how silly it all is, as if that absolves it of beingunimaginative, humorlessly crass, and completely worthless. Wrong.That just means its creators understand why they cry themselves tosleep each night.