Movie News & Reviews

No one my age wants to know anything about 'Shrek 3'

I have watched some serious garbage in my day.

Take "Highlander 2," where Sean Connery returns without explanation after being decapitated in the original, then spends the rest of the movie saying things like "Hit it, dude!" and boasting that he just got shot more times than fellow immortal Christopher Lambert. I'm sad just thinking about it.

Or "Robot Holocaust" (alternate title: "If 'Star Wars' Were Written by a Chimpanzee With a $28 Budget"), the '80s charmer about a post-apocalyptic world where sock puppets pose mankind's greatest threat.

And let's not forget "Voodoo Academy," the crowning disaster of them all.

Ninety-two minutes of boom mikes and schoolboys rubbing their bare chests while the principal talks and talks and talks about creating a zombie army, "Voodoo Academy" is without doubt the most punishingly boring movie I've ever seen. If you're ever feeling like life is too short, scrounge this one up. Those 92 minutes will feel like approximately 8,000 years.

That's what gets me about "Shrek The Third." These terrible movies, I'll remember them for the rest of my life. They're numbingly, shockingly bad, but a lot of that comes from someone trying to bring a singular vision to life. A stupid and ridiculous vision, granted, but at least it's something I've never seen before.

"Shrek The Third" makes, what, the seventh movie where Mike Myers talks in a Scottish accent for some reason? What exactly are we going to get from the second unnecessary sequel to a film that was pretty funny but still had such timelessly classic jokes like when they parodied "The Matrix"?

Every other scene in "Shrek The Third's" trailer involves bodily gases. I'm not going to pretend I'm above laughing at that kind of thing, because man are fart jokes funny, but come on. Just because you're going to make a profit no matter what you do doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

To quote the wordsmith Will Smith, "Shrek The Third" is old and busted. Walk in, pay your money, walk out, and forget about the whole thing by the end of the week. I'd rather watch a movie so bad I'm shouting "Why??" until my vocal chords explode and my brain tries to escape out my left ear than shell out for anything as lazy as "Shrek The Third."

"Voodoo Academy" may be the worst movie I've ever seen, but at least when I watch it I get the sense that someone cared.