Thursday, Aug. 21, 2008

Herald reporter finds out just how many rides she could go on after gorging on fair food (w/video)

By Laura Kate Zaichkin, Herald staff writer

I thought my personal trainer was going to have a heart attack when I told her my story assignment for Wednesday.

"I'm eating as much fair food as I possibly can," I said as she turned several shades of furious red.

"And then after I'm done stuffing myself, I'm going to ride the carnival rides and try not to puke."

She was silent for a moment as her hands went to her mouth. Then completely covered her face.

"Why?!" she cried through her fingers.

"Well, I volun--," I started.

"You volunteered?! Why?" she screamed, her anger unmasked.

Backing up, I said, "No, they're making me. It's for work."

But please.

Is funnel cake round?

Are curly fries salty strings of deliciousness?

Of course I volunteered.

The best thing about county fairs is the food. Elephant ears, lemonade, ice cream, pizza. It makes me happy just thinking about the grease, fat and unnecessary calories. Any excuse to gorge myself is acceptable when it comes to fair food.

And let me tell you, I can gorge myself. I am a master eater and an experienced carnival thrill seeker. I have a stomach of steel.

Or so I thought.

I began Wednesday afternoon confident I would return to the newsroom victorious. No one believed I could complete the assignment without tossing my cookies.

"Good luck," my editor said, patting his stomach. "Keep it down."

Please, this is kid stuff, I thought as I grabbed my first fair delicacy of the day, a pretzel with cheese (fake, melty cheese is my lifeblood).

As I began my food reconnaissance around the fairgrounds, I was delighted to find food booths around every corner -- the Sugar Shack, corn on the cob, root beer floats.

Let the trans-fat fest begin.

My day only got better when I stumbled upon another fair-food enthusiast, voraciously digging into a teriyaki rice bowl that she said was just OK.

And Tiffany Smiley knows. The 27-year-old who grew up in Pasco hasn't been to the fair in a couple of years because she now lives in Durham, N.C. But she said she was planning on coming to the fair every day this week to eat.

"I really like the frozen lemonade and the Piggly Wiggly fries are my favorite, and elephant ears from this stand are the best," she said pointing to the Pasco-Kennewick Rotary booth.

So I set off to heed this fellow expert's advice.

Smiley left me with a final recommendation: "Oh, and the Beaver burritos are really good."

She was right. That 2-pound burrito packed with globs of sour cream and cheese perfectly complemented a heaping plate of curly fries, the turkey-platter sized elephant ear and lemonade that I consumed in about an hour and a half.

That burrito was my downfall.

I made it with no problem through six spinning, whizzing, turn-you-upside-down rides. I think I might have concerned the ride attendants and preteens near me when I told them how much I had eaten. But overall, I felt more like laughing than vomiting.

"I am the master," I proclaimed after stepping off my last ride, the Zipper.

Not for long.

After a minute on the road back to the office, I ate my words.

Or rather, I remembered what I ate. There it was -- the burrito, all over the passenger side of the Tri-City Herald company Subaru.

I admit it now: I'm not the master. I don't have a stomach of steel. I need to learn to eat in moderation, fair time or not.

That'll be a lesson I'm sure my trainer will be happy I learned. And maybe, just maybe, I won't volunteer for this story come next year.