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Sunday, Oct. 25, 2009

'Home' not safe for too many people

By Kelly Abken, In Focus

Today you will meet a domestic violence victim.

Do you think you would recognize them? Are they somehow different than you or your friends?

It could be your co-worker, your doctor, the clerk at the grocery store, your child's best friend, your next-door neighbor. The unfortunate reality is that domestic violence is an equal opportunity offender.

Domestic violence victims and survivors are around us every day - but the difference is that every day is a struggle in ways many of us cannot imagine.

Sadly, for 22 percent of American women, "home" is a not always a safe place.

In fact, as you read this, nine women, 16 children and their pets are living in the Domestic Violence Services of Benton & Franklin Counties (DVS) emergency shelter. Last year 352 women and children stayed in the shelter.

Their stories and backgrounds are as varied and complex as you would imagine - but the one constant in all their lives is the terrible impact of abuse.

For their safety and confidentiality, their names and identifying characteristics have been changed, but here are some of their stories:

Angie: The main effect of the violence was I stopped being myself. I changed to make him happy, to please him, to avoid making him mad. I died inside.

Emma: I just want him to get some help. He is a great dad when he isn't drinking. My advocate keeps telling me that the drinking doesn't cause him to be violent, but that is the only time he loses control. I know he loves me, he just needs some help.

Christy: People have no idea what it's like to live through an abusive relationship. What still bothers me is other people's anti-victim prejudice, people saying that we deserve it for not leaving. A few months after I left, one of my friends said she had "no sympathy" for victims because we're "stupid for staying" and bring the abuse on ourselves. How could she not remember what he did to make me stay.

Teresa: You'd never pick him out as an abuser, he was small built and everyone who met him thought he was a great guy. Last time I spoke to him he was still making me out as the bad guy. He absolutely believes it, passionately believes that he was the victim and that I made a big deal out of nothing.

Mary: People just don't understand how hard it is. I've left before and he always convinces me to return home. But the other part of that is - what am I supposed to do now? We're broke, the kids miss their dad and honestly, I miss him, too. My parents will be so mad at me if I go back again, but I really don't know where else I'm going to go.

Domestic violence is the silent terror that too many women and their children live with every day. But we can't ignore it.

Each October during Domestic Violence Awareness Month a window opens through which we can introduce domestic violence into our dialogue with family, colleagues and friends, and commit to making the issue a mainstream topic of conversation and concern. The issue is complex and uncomfortable, but only by normalizing conversations about relationship abuse can we take away its power - particularly for the next generation.

Each of us is positioned to be a confidant and a lifeline to women and girls. There are so many ways you can make a difference - big and small. Speak out publicly against domestic violence or quietly ask that friend you're concerned about if she is safe at home. Donate a used cell phone. Talk to your kids about healthy relationships. Attend the DVS Annual Candlelight Vigil at John Dam Plaza at 6:15 p.m.Thursday.

You have the opportunity today to make a difference in someone's life. Take it.

* Kelly Abken is the executive director of Domestic Violence Services of Benton & Franklin Counties

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