Tips for Republicans

November 18, 2012 

DAVID CHASSIN, Pasco

As a Democrat, I have some advice to offer that I'm certain Republicans will appreciate and fervently apply in the coming years.

First, be more hyper-religious. Religious hate and sociopathic displays of antipathy toward those not like you are very effective. Today's growing minorities are totally turned off by that and won't fight having their votes suppressed.

Second, sell out to big business. Placing more value in corporate welfare than human welfare will certainly keep super-PAC money flowing. Today's youth so despise the power of corporations that they easily fall for the lying political ads all that money can buy.

Third, throw women under the bus. Subjugating women so they know their rightful place society is the key to your success. But don't forget to disenfranchise them before they realize what you're doing.

Finally, undermine our right to be healthy. Ordinary people really need to be punished for not being wealthy, and there's no lesson like dying slowly of a painful disease. Everybody knows that sick people don't vote.

Doing all this will guarantee that you reliably win the healthy wannabe-rich holier-than-thou white male vote as you always have. As a Democrat, I can live with that because unlike most of you Republicans, I can count.

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