'Twilight' twaddle

The buzz is on. Already The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1's trailer is being circulated on the net and is being seen in a few theaters.

The film doesn’t open until November.

Already I have female friends — fortunately, not my wife — who are begging to be the person I get to take to the pre-release critic’s screening. It seems that seat is more valuable than gold.

Do we have to start the hype this early? This is almost like Christmas displays being put up five minutes after midnight on Halloween. It’s a joke. It hasn’t really started and I’m already worn out.

Even worse for non-fan guys whose loved ones are slobbering over this one, the last Twilight installment is in two parts. I know fans are going to say, "The story is sooooo deeeeeep, detailllllled and complicccccated it can't be told in one movie."

That’s crap. Each of the other three flicks was an hour too long. Some of us think they shouldn’t even have been made. We’re correct, but we're in the minority.

Fans say their passion over Twilight is all found in the plot. It’s the deep, passion-packed, love story. Since he’s more or less a pedophile, will Edward take a bite out of crime and consummate his love and do the vampire-making thing to Bella? Will poor jilted Jacob ever get over being bonkers over Bella? Will the werewolves and the vampires ever just get along?

Will the not-so-sympathetic vampire governing group care? Do you?

C’mon, admit it ladies. All of drooling and swooning for this series is all about more shots of Taylor Lautner’s abs and the smoldering eyes and perpetually pouting lips of heartthrob and Hollywood’s new king of sulk -- Robert Pattinson.

I said it. I stand by it. Now I’m in trouble. But I’m not alone. My niece’s husband — a Twilight victim — sent this link to me. The song cracked me up. You might find it funny, too. Some of you will even be glad I shared.

Here it is. Shallow Day: Twilight — What have You Done to My Wife...