The fact that kids in TV and movies talk less like kids and more like tiny, sarcastic adults isn't some stupid screen convention.
Nope, turns out child actors are harvested from a parallel universe where, Benjamin Button-like, everyone ages backward.
Union rules have barred Earth children from appearing in movies since the early 1980s. But in 1987, The Monster Squad boldly defied Hollywood laws by featuring kids who actually talked and insulted each other like actual kids.
An amulet with the power to tip the balance between good and evil has re-emerged in small-town America. With Dracula rounding up an all-star team of Frankenstein, the Wolfman, the Mummy and the Creature from the Black Lagoon to track it down, the only thing standing between them and evil domination is a gang of monster-obsessed kids.
The Monster Squad is that rare bit of entertainment that simply delivers what it promises, no more and no less. It's a kid-oriented '80s horror/comedy. This means it has a fat kid, a cool kid and a soundtrack that literally demands us to dance until our feet fall off and our hearts stop. You know, for all the flak metal music caught in the '80s, at least it wasn't commanding its fans to mutilate their limbs and organs until they died.
Working with a modest budget before inexpensive CG, director/cowriter Fred Dekker depicts his monsters' transformations into bats and hairy beasts by the time-honored methods of silhouettes and cutaways. Cheesy and cheap? Yeah, but we're not watching terminally ill Brits regret their lives here. This is mummies and Frankensteins getting thwarted by 12-year-old kids.
While The Monster Squad isn't endlessly hilarious, it has its moments, particularly in quick bits of dialogue. In a test of the cool kid's beast-lore, the club's founders claim werewolves can be killed through other methods than old age, including car crashes and old age.
I'm guessing this is due in large part to co-writer Shane Black, who would soon be earning millions of dollars as Hollywood's highest-paid scriptwriter. Given writer pay rates, that's a little like being the smartest guy at the World Convention of Men with Pipes and Pipe-Like Objects Embedded in Their Brains, but Black's career (the Lethal Weapon series, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang) has been hallmarked by crackerjack dialogue. The same wit is on display here.
The characterization is a little thin, and for being a dream team of eerie horrible monsters, the bad guys' plan isn't terribly awe-inspiring.
It's also curiously dynamite-heavy. But sometimes "satisfactory" is good enough. Catch the original The Monster Squad now before next year's remake makes you look like an out-of-touch fool.
* Contact Ed Robertson at edwrobertson@gmail.com. His fiction is available on Kindle, Nook, and through Smashwords.
