Movies written to turn no-names into stars don't have the best track record.
Who remembers Cindy Crawford's debut in Fair Game?
Or Larry the Stillborn Foal's turn in Dog Food: The Musical?
Nobody, that's who.
Some actors were born to support, not star. In 1992's Double Trouble, the leads combined don't have the chops to carry their vehicle.
L.A. cop David Paul wants nothing more than to arrest his twin brother, cat burglar Peter Paul.
But Peter has stumbled into vital information about Roddy McDowall's plans for a massive diamond heist, prompting police chief James Doohan to make the Pauls partners. Neither of them likes it, but they'll have to work together to bring McDowall down.
Sure, that plot may be more labored than the guy who had to towel the sweat off the guys who built the pyramids. But Double Trouble isn't about the story. It's about the Pauls, aka the Barbarian Brothers. Specifically, it's about their massive, quivering muscles.
When David's frustrated by his no-account brother, he blows off steam by lifting weights. Director John Paragon films the moment like a love scene, complete with candlelit focus on David's throbbing forearms and veins so ropy you could use them to rig a ship. Also he grunts like a pig playing tennis.
This is only the most brazenly irrelevant feat of strength in a movie where the twins flip cars with their bare hands and hoist full satellite dishes, Atlas-style, to hurl at their enemies, most un-Atlas-style. All while keeping their mullets and Raiders half-shirts impeccably clean.
The Pauls' appearance is just the biggest clue we're in for a cheesy '80s action hangover. On top of that is an ever-present, inappropriately upbeat score that hardly misses a beat even when David's original partner is killed and framed for possession. It's an incessant demand to have fun, and if there's one thing that's fun, it's being bossed around.
Yet it isn't all disaster. Clearly having a blast together, the brothers share a good-natured chemistry that makes even the dumbest scenes smiley. There's no denying the awesomeness of their cross-city brawl together. And remember, these guys are identical twins, so if you guessed Double Trouble features plenty of twins-based shenanigans, congratulations, you may have a career in action screenwriting.
Some bad movies are little more than case studies on which flavor of trash tastes the worst. Others may be indefensible, but you'll come away happy. If you can find Double Trouble, give it a whirl.
* Contact Ed Robertson at edwrobertson@gmail.com
