'New Moon' anything but full

You know The Twilight Saga: New Moon has it all wrong right out of the coffin.

The opening sequence has the moon going from full to the new moon in a few seconds. The shadow moves from right to left.

-- Local show times, theaters.

In real life, full to waxing goes from left to right.

That sounds picky, but there wasn’t much else to do or think about during New Moon, the second movie based on the second book of the now impressively titled The Twilight Saga.

-- Read The Critic of Pure Reason's review.

Now, if the script and the acting were more impressive, we’d have something.

To be fair, sequels don’t normally come together quite this fast. So the effects in New Moon are a bit cheesy, and director Chris Weitz (The Golden Compass) and series screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg had no time to do a serious edit and chop down some of the film’s interminable length.

Cut a half an hour and even cynics might find the premise at least somewhat palatable. Key word: somewhat. Not that it really matters. So many problems. So little space. So little time to explain them.

Three short statements and you already know where I stand. Vampire movies should do a much different kind of sucking than what you find here. My sacred grandmother once told me to never ding the undingable. I’m paraphrasing, but it was something like that.

But ding away I must. I know the hate mail will start immediately, and before you pounce and start scribbling something, a crucifix will not ward me off and garlic doesn’t bother me. Some will want to drive a wooden stake through my heart. That's a waste of time. Ask anyone who knows me. I don't have a heart.

So think before you write. I already know I’m:

A) Not very romantic.

B) Insensitive.

C) Lacking in imagination.

D) A loser.

E) A jerk.

F) A creep.

G) A curmudgeon.

H) And any number of the foul four-letter words forming in your mind.

I could keep piling on the adjectives, but you get that I get your drift.

To the plot: For those that don’t know or can’t remember, 17-year old Bella Swan lives in Forks, Wash., where part of the movie is filmed. She is in love with Edward Cullen. There are complications. Though still in high school, he’s a 109-year-old vampire who doesn’t kill people. Loving her is tough because she has a blood type that makes her a vampire delicacy.

Starting with the age gap of a bit more than 91 years and already the story is a stretch.

At the end of the last movie, Edward and his family killed off all but one of the bad vampires that were after Bella and he and Bella were deep in love.

Poor Bella. When it comes to picking boyfriends, she’s pathetic. Edward breaks up with her because he’s convinced her life is in mortal danger. Crushed, she seeks comfort with her American Indian friend Jacob Black and then does a “yes-I-do, no-I-don’t” relationship dance with him.

Jacob turns out to be a werewolf. They’re mortal enemies of vampires.

Fans tell me this is the slowest and least interesting of the four books. No, duh.

Midway through part two of this soggy saga, Bella and Jacob talk about running away together. Running works. After more than an hour of moping, fretting and sulking — depending on the character — any action is welcome.

When Edward first appears on screen, girls and women in the screening audience screamed. No doubt the same will happen when you see the film at your favorite theater.

Robert Pattinson looks good, so who cares that his acting skills are limited. Same goes for Taylor Lautner, who does Jacob. When he pulls off his shirt to dab a bit of blood from Bella’s head, the house erupted.

New Moon adds a few new characters, and you learn a bit more about why Bella is so interesting to vampires. That’s about all you get for the $10 ticket and 2 hours, 10 minutes of your time. But either you’re a fan or you’re not.

I am not.

And I don’t get the attraction of fans gushing over nice but brooding vampires that have more in common with vegans than blood-sucking fiends. Vampires ought to bite more and brood less.

Mr. Movie rating: 3 stars

Rated PG-13 for mature themes and some violence. It opens Friday, Nov. 20 at Regal’s Columbia Mall 8 and at the Fairchild Cinemas 12.

5 stars to 4 1/2 stars: Must see on the big screen
4 stars to 3 1/2 stars: Good film, see it if it's your type of movie.
3 stars to 2 1/2 stars: Wait until it comes out on video.
2 stars to 1 star: Don't bother.
0 stars: Speaks for itself.