Trust doesn't come easily

June 4, 2009 

While I sat through a meeting yesterday, I thought I could feel cancerous tumors growing in my neck.

It was a weird sensation, and when I told my brother about it last night, he looked at me incredulously. He hasn't had cancer, so he cannot imagine what my mind is doing to me, even though I am now cancer-free.

This goes along with a dream I had the other night: In it, my doctor told me the cancer had returned but he had some good pills that would make it go away quickly.

When I awoke, I was momentarily concerned this dream could be a premonition. But this is the way the mind of a cancer survivor works. Everyone I talked to who went through this before me said it would happen. It will take time for me to trust my body, to trust myself.

It is a rather freaky way to go through life right now, but there is a positive side to this: I am now more acutely aware of my body. I regularly feel my neck for bulges, especially the area where I had a nine-centimeter growth back in November. I check the lymph nodes under my arms, where I had a six-centimeter growth.

If there is a sudden change - something more concrete than my dreams or imagination - I will not hesitate to call my doctor and hope he has those magic pills.

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