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Gary Wolcott's "Mr. Movie" column has appeared in the Tri-City Herald since 1992. The Tri-City native now lives in Portland, Ore., and watches about 250 movies each year. This member of Portland's association of movie critics, Far From Hollywood, believes movies are made to be seen on theater screens and should be seen there and not on television screens. Have a question for Mr. Movie? Click on "Add Comment" below. Mr. Movie has joined Twitter. Follow him here.


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Published Wednesday, Jan. 14, 2009

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'Paul Blart: Mall Cop' is no flop, but no hit

By Gary Wolcott, atomictown.com


Paul Blart: Mall Cop is pretty basic.

Kevin James and co-writer Nick Bakay stick James on a Segway -- one of those really cool two-wheel scooters -- and have him doing everything but cartwheels to get the attention of the glamorous woman who sells hairpieces in a mall cart.

Thieves on skateboards and doing incredible acrobatics and brandishing weapons chase most people out of the mall and then grab a few hostages -- including the aforementioned babe. They’re going after the credit card numbers of the mall’s businesses.

I’m not giving anything away. We all know pratfalls, slapstick and sight gags follow. Predictably, Blart, in spite of himself, saves the hostages and the hand of the beautiful babe. In real life, Jayma Mays (Epic Movie) is 14 years his junior.

Critiquing the movie is a no-brainer. You don’t need me. This is a well-worn plot that you’ve seen hundreds of times in TV series, TV movies and in films on the silver screen. You can do this yourself. There are larger issues at stake here and a big question that begs for an answer.

Men everywhere deserve one.

How is it that the ordinary-looking guys with dead-end jobs played by aging comedians such as James, Jim Carrey, Adam Sandler and others end up with drop-dead-gorgeous women? And it’s not just comedians. Robert De Niro is 66. In Righteous Kill, he’s dating a character played by the very beautiful Carla Gugino. De Niro is 28 years her senior.

Proof nothing close to reality exists in Hollywood.

I’m a fairly good-looking guy in my 50s and women looking such as Gugino or Jayma Mays wouldn’t give me the time of day. Those with their -- uh -- attributes would more than likely only be interested in how many zeroes there are after the first two numbers in my bank account balance.

None of this is germane to the movie. It is -- however -- more interesting than Paul Blart: Mall Cop, which leads me back to your own review. Though most of you haven’t seen the film, your conclusions are more than likely the same as mine. Kevin James is hard not to like. He’s a big, goofy, personable doofus better suited for a half-an-hour TV show like The King of Queens than trying to carry a 90-minute movie.

Mr. Movie rating: 3 1/2 stars

Rated PG for mature themes. It opens Friday, Jan. 16 at the Columbia Mall 8 and at the Fairchild Cinemas 12.

5 stars to 4 1/2 stars: Must see on the big screen
4 stars to 3 1/2 stars: Good film, see it if it's your type of movie.
3 stars to 2 1/2 stars: Wait until it comes out on video.
2 stars to 1 star: Don't bother.
0 stars: Speaks for itself.

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