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There are times in every man or movie genre's life when he or it needs to take a good look at him -- or itself -- and think about packing it in.
Dozens of video game movies have been made, but I just spent like 10 seconds trying to remember a good one and couldn't come up with a single example.
If this total failure were a man's life, it would be the equivalent of a guy being born in a landslide, found and raised by alcoholic wolves, rejoining society and having his wife run off with another man raised by coyotes -- coyotes! -- then being fired from his janitorial duties at the pound for unsubstantiated accusations of sexual harassment. After all that, it's time to either retire to a life of solitude, or commit suicide in traditional wolf fashion (moving to Alaska).
But video game movies, dullards that they are, never learn. This may be because story is usually a secondary consideration to gameplay, and when it comes time to adapt them to the cinema, heaven forbid we mess with the Bible-like canon of Resident Evil. My understanding is Max Payne the game had fairly good writing, as far as these things go; that doesn't appear to have helped its cinematic cousin the slightest bit.
Three years ago, cop Mark Wahlberg's wife and kid were murdered. The crime was never solved. Ever since, his ongoing investigation has been strictly off-duty.
Following up a lead, he meets Olga Kurylenko, then kicks her out of his apartment for insulting his dead wife. On the street, the girl is murdered -- ripped to shreds. As the last one to see her, Wahlberg becomes the prime suspect among the cops and Mila Kunis, Kurylenko's vengeance-minded sister.
Wahlberg's old partner believes he's innocent -- and finds evidence linking Kurylenko's murder to his wife. Before he can meet Wahlberg, he's killed, leaving Wahlberg alone to clear the cases and his name.
It's a pretty generic plot even when you get into the Norse mythology, demonic hallucinations, and convoluted-yet-obvious investigation. That's fine in a video game, when the main focus isn't story so much as blasting the bejesus out of zombies, Nazis, cats that look at you cockeyed, etc. A bland-plotted movie leans awful hard on its main character, and in Max Payne, Wahlberg doesn't have much more to do than swagger around and smirk.
That and get sucked into a case that bounces between baffling shots of Menacing Steroid Man (I wonder if he's bad?) and an investigation that telegraphs most of its major developments well before Wahlberg gets around to puzzling them out -- leaving us with either too little information or too much.
In fine video-game-to-movie tradition, however, it all looks very cool. The whole thing is so moody and dark that upon exiting directly into the sunshine I was so deeply blinded I just missed trampling a little girl on the sidewalk. I was aiming for her, too.
Likewise, it turns out that no matter how often you rip off The Matrix, bullet-time still rocks. Max Payne's kinetic shootouts are a welcome change from Wahlberg striding around from one personality-free side character to another. Its action scenes look like, well, a badass video game, which raises the question of wouldn't it be cooler to just play a badass video game, but shut up.
That's what it comes down to: Max Payne is a good-looking film, and occasionally Wahlberg tears people up. Don't get me wrong, me and my only friend -- Mr. Hangover -- would watch that on the couch any day. But I've got enough mild confusion and disappointment at home. I don't need it in the theater, too.
Grade: C
