You know what's weird? Teeth. They're just little bones that live
outside your skin.
It's also weird that nobody was all that jazzed about Hellboy,
yet everyone I knew was fired up about Hellboy II: The Golden
Army. This probably has something to do with writer/director
Guillermo del Toro's universally beloved Pan's Labyrinth, but I
think it has much more to do with the use of Rammstein songs in all
those movie trailers.
Rammstein's potential energy is so strong that if we could find a way
to grind them up and pump them into our gas tanks, oil wouldn't be
useful for anything more than dumping on the road to spin out the cop
cars trying to chase us down for murdering Rammstein. I know this is
only a pipe dream--in reality, Rammstein is invulnerable, and even if
they weren't, they could hear our thoughts and strike us down with one
crisp German curse before we got near them--but apparently Rammstein
answers prayers, too, because Hellboy II is just about as great
as everyone seems to have hoped.
Long ago, mankind declared war on the elves, goblins, trolls, and
fantastical beings who shared our world. On the verge of defeat, the
mythical peoples built the Golden Army, an invincible mechanical
legion they used to force a truce which has lasted to the present day.
Now, elvish prince Luke Goss seeks to break that truce. His unsubtle
effort to obtain the crown that commands the Golden Army sets Ron
Perlman (as Hellboy) and the rest of the paranormal crew on his tail.
Because if Goss gets that crown--and the only thing stopping him is
his sister who fled with the final piece--the jig is up for mankind.
Perlman and Selma Blair's romantic problems aren't going to mean much
when we're all living under the boots of thousands of unstoppable
mechanical men.
The really impressive thing about Hellboy II is it not only
improves on what the original did well--strong action, inventive
creature design, an offbeat sense of humor--but it opens up both the
inner world of its characters and the outer world of the fantastic
alternate universe they inhabit.
The difficulty in establishing the ground rules of an alternate
universe may explain why superhero sequels are often better than the
first entry. (And if that rule holds true for The Dark Knight,
look here next week for where to make donations to my ecstasy-induced
funeral.) Hellboy II feels like more than a franchise
stretching its wings, though. Instead, its careering humor, clockwork
pacing, and perverse exploration of love feels like the work of an
artist at the top of his game.
An artist who really, really loves monsters. Listening to del Toro's
voice on his commentaries is a hypnotizing pleasure, but I'm not sure
I'd want to spend any time inside the man's head.
Judging by the otherworldly, beautiful-but-scary designs of the
creatures facing off against Perlman's team, del Toro's nightmares
must make yours and mine look like a chaste kiss on the cheek. On the
plus side, when you can channel that into scenes where a big burly
devil shoots the goo out of a glowing moss-monster the size of a water
tower, I think the nightmares are worth it.
When that sheer imagination takes the movie to the brink of whimsical
overload, all is forgiven the next time the game cast dives into a
hilarious session of bonding and/or fighting. It's a rare gift when a
director can entertain you on this many levels. That just makes it all
the crazier we've had so many great comic book movies in the last few
years. Even amongst its most laudable peers, Hellboy II stands
out as a witty, exciting trip you couldn't have imagined before seeing
it on the theater screen.
Grade: A-
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Don't fret to skip 'Don't Be Afraid of the Dark'
Don't fret to skip 'Don't Be Afraid of the Dark'
Before we consider cutting library funding in this time of fiscal crisis, we should step back, as a nation, and remember that without them, we'll be helpless in the face of any timeless horrors that roll into town.
Think about the last time you got attacked by that Cthulhu. What did you do to defeat it? No, not the bazooka filled with poison candy corn. Before that. That's right, you went to the local library. Specifically, the amazingly complete occult section filled with 14th century Italian manuscripts about head vampires and Moby-Dicks (he was a monster, right?). That's where you learned about the bazooka in the first place. Without the public library, right now you'd be gurgling away in the interdimensional stomach acid of a thing that wears its stomach in its third armpit.
That's what I gather from horror movies, anyway, which as far as I know are a series of documentaries filmed in real-time, Highlander -style. And if you need yet more proof of the crucial role our public library system serves
'Don't be Afraid of the Dark' offers few reasons to worry
'Don't be Afraid of the Dark' offers few reasons to worry
Emphasis. Don’t. That’s “don’t” as in Don’t be Afraid of the Dark .
This movie won’t leave you afraid of the dark or much else. No leaving the lights on for the night when you get home. No checking rooms and closets or peeking under the bed worried that something creepy might be there.
Nope. In the 99 very slow minutes of Don’t be Afraid of the Dark an expected jump or two is about all you get. And they’re not even that good.
'Contagion' gives mean case of the willies
'Contagion' gives mean case of the willies
I would have to say the creepiest thing about viruses is some people don't consider them to technically be alive.
That makes them kind of like bizarro zombies. Well, except I guess bizarro zombies would be more like corpses that come back to life and restore brains to those who've lost them, such as flat tax advocates. Or maybe they would just eat our feet instead? I'm a little confused about how this bizarro stuff works. Point is, it's not very cool when you have to fight something that can't be killed because it has no life to be killed. Also there are hundreds of millions of them inside you.
-- Local show times, theaters, trailer.
Woody Harrelson goes behind the badge for 'Rampart'
Woody Harrelson goes behind the badge for 'Rampart'
LOS ANGELES - Woody Harrelson wants the windows down. "Do you mind if we go old style on this? I don't like air conditioning." The journalist at the wheel of the Honda Accord jabs a button and the famous passenger gets a face full of Sunset Strip. Harrelson is used to breathing in paradise - he lives in Maui most of the time - but even West Hollywood tastes sweet when you feel like you're smothering. "Yeah," the 50-year-old star said, "that's better already."
Mr. Movie's list of Halloween favorites
Mr. Movie's list of Halloween favorites
I’m going to ramble a bit. Normally when picking a best list you do five or 10. I’m doing six. It just worked out that way.
When you look at my picks you will note I deliberately left The Exorcist off my list. While some think it’s the best horror film of them all, I read the book and it pales in comparison. Other than Linda Blair’s spinning head, lots profanity and vomit, and Mercedes McCambridge’s brilliant work as the dubbed-in demon voice, there isn’t much substance.
I guess at this point you’ve guessed the topic of this post is horror movies for Halloween. You’ll want to get started early. These days they get gobbled up at the few video stores that are left. I know next to nothing about Netflix so I’m not sure what kind of a supply it has for those still doing the mail thing.
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