The tricky thing in talking about bad movies is that for some of us--failures, mostly, much like the terrible things we like making fun of--bad equals good. So when I say that, until very recently, 2000's Voodoo Academy was the worst movie I'd ever seen, this could create the confusion that it's nonstop riotous fun.
Nope. Then why on earth recommend it for this month's Big Awful Friday? How about because I think you're a jerk? I'm sorry, that was hurtful. Blame it on the way I had to spend my afternoon.
Thing is, watching Voodoo Academy is a crash course in Advanced Cinemasochism. Once you've got this one under your belt, everything else will look brilliant by comparison.
Riley Smith is the new student at Carmichael Bible College, a new school of such prestige it has six whole students. But rather than being educated in its exciting new religion, headmistress Debra Mayer has other plans for her class--like using them to raise a voodoo army of the undead.
Or so the back of its case promises. Brace yourself for disappointment, as this movie has no zombies, undead, or anything resembling horror. It doesn't have much of a plot or any rules to its foolish voodoo rituals, either. Instead, it's got what really counts: wave after wave of muscly young dudes rubbing their bare chests.
In fact, between the men watching each other bathe, the terrible acting, flimsy premise, and vaguely smutty double entendres, Voodoo Academy is exactly like the first five minutes of a gay porn stretched out to feature length, except without any of that tedious nudity or sex.
This T&A-less T&A is intentional — director David DeCoteau meant for it to subvert typical horror films — but the only thing he's subverting here is the crusty old convention that movies are supposed to be in any way fun. Smashing success! I can't possibly imagine anything less entertaining than shirtless underwear models arguing the finer points of made-up theology while their superiors engage in a no-stakes scheme that makes no sense even after they monologue about it 90 second before the anticlimactic ending.
There are dumber, crazier, less competent movies out there, but there may not be one more relentlessly dull. Voodoo Academy opens with the words "Utter failure" and bears that mission statement out every step of the way. Don't cheat yourself with the 70-minute compromised version. Pop in the 90-minute full cut and set sail for misery.