Hold on a minute. You're telling me I reviewed Jurassic Park here a couple of weeks ago?

Note to up-and-coming screenwriters: if you're writing a comedy, it's basically mandatory at this point that the big climax involves a crazy car chase.

Well, this will be the most pointless review I ever write.

Bad Teacher will have you laughing like it is an occasionally funny movie

David Fincher movies have a look to them. Specifically, they often have the look of a place that is made of blue, yellow, and dirt. Other times, they are filmed in a world made of dirt and more dirt, which actually makes a lot of sense when you think about it. It's an aesthetic that's perfect for the high-class grime of 1997's The Game.

The chances of Ryan Reynolds playing a role where he is smug and/or arrogant are approximately the same as the chances that adding cheese to something will make it better.

It's just not reasonable to expect every day and experience to be completely unique.

Do you remember 1982? Not likely. In those days of mammoth races and rock-throwing contests, we hadn't even invented memories yet, let alone the film to record them on.

The one thing I find kind of curious about the X-Men is an awful lot of their random mutations seem to be themed.

There are a few surefire markers that the movie you're watching is not going to realize its full potential.

The fact that kids in TV and movies talk less like kids and more like tiny, sarcastic adults isn't some stupid screen convention.

When I'm putting in another long day at the office, doing jigs on the sidewalk for tourists and jingling my coin-filled cap, I like to pass the time by thinking about how great things would be if you could just do away with the one thing that brings them down.

Being ahead of your time isn't much fun.

I always enjoy watching made-up worlds that clearly wouldn't work.

Lately I've been very interested in wiping humanity out with a killer virus.

Lively, gorgeous, and armed with a small but welcome sense of humor, Thor is a strong new entry in the superhero pantheon.

Like terrible movies? There are few worse than Mutant Hunt.

You know, just because a monster has a watermelon-crushing set of fangs or one of those tails with the big clubs on the end doesn't mean they should just forgo guns.

There's no way to turn an audience against a man faster than to show him abusing an animal.

Surviving an apocalypse is a lot like heading off for your freshman year of college. Sure, you'll miss all your old friends and family, but just think of all the cool new people you're about to meet.

In these days of elaborate traps and serial killers with mechanized death-basements, a killer with a knife just isn't that scary.

All of us have gone or will go through the process of growing up.

Deep down, I think we all long for our own personal Batmobile.

Other than the whole "oops genocide" bit, there isn't much about Thanksgiving that lends itself to horror movies. The day afterward might make for a harrowing component to a Human Centipede sequel, but the holiday itself? Pretty low-key.

Along with the whole "killing Hitler" thing, anything resembling time travel runs into the old paradox problem.

It's no big surprise why movie studios shy away from risky topics.

Movies have an endless capacity to shed light on our real-life problems.

As I explain in my new book, Make Good Name or Stuff Sell Bad Like, Well, I Don't Know, titles are important.

Imagine, if you will, a world where it's possible to solve problems with thinking instead of large-caliber ammunition.

Whenever a movie critic confesses to not having seen a classic, people react as if he should be strapped down like Alex in A Clockwork Orange until such an unforgivable oversight can be corrected. And probably slapped around a little too.

It's a good thing the film industry ended up in such a big city, because they sure love blowing the place up.

Note to moms: if you want your kids to grow up to the high-powered, island-buying lifestyle of a local movie critic, start taking them to the cinema at a young age.

If there is a plan for all of us, I don't see why it had me eat so much pizza last night.

We all know success rarely has much to do with quality.

If I were an alien sociologist trying to learn about American attitudes towards marriage by watching movies, all three of my heads would explode.

We all dream of a world where we can turn off our dark thoughts and wriggling fears. A world where bad things happen, but we don't care because we have cheeseburgers, and look, there is a bunny. Perhaps we can pet it.

People who complain about cheap knockoffs and imitators have obviously never worn a Superman cape to work.

Valentine's Day has come and gone, but that doesn't mean we have to stop packaging love into its component parts (flowers, bow-wielding naked babies, the soul-scorching agony of abandonment) and selling them to people desperate to prove the heartfelt sincerity of their affections

We don't do the "family honor" thing so much anymore, I think.

I for one think we should punish people for their success.

I have two main fears: water too deep to see the bottom, and getting trapped in tight, confined places.

Beginnings are always my favorite. Except coming up with them.

Maybe the reason professional assassination organizations are always having so many troubles and double-crosses is that hitmen and the people who hire them are kind of dicks.

As a new generation reaches the point where it can afford wonderful perks of adulthood like home and auto loans, the '80s of its childhood has become a safe haven of nostalgia and punchlines so lazy they'll eat whatever fell on the couch earlier today even though the fridge is right over there.

One of the nice things about living under an overpass is you get first look at all the new movie billboards.

As a new generation reaches the point where it can afford wonderful perks of adulthood like home and auto loans, the '80s of its childhood has become a safe haven of nostalgia and punchlines so lazy they'll eat whatever fell on the couch earlier today even though the fridge is right over there.

For movie studios, January is traditionally the time when they dump off their really bad stuff. Coincidentally, I have a birthday coming up.

Entertainment doesn't always go down as smooth as a glass of chocolate milk.

I have a love-hate relationship with my fishtank.

You know what's not fair?