Tuesday, Nov. 10, 2009

Crossing the border for honeymoon

So I've been MIA for a while, but I have a good reason. No, it's not because I secretly moonlight as a ninja who had business to tend to in Korea... I gave that profession up years ago. And no, I didn't break into the Mountain Dew headquarters... I still need to finalize blueprints for that mission.

However, I was in another country: Mexico. For my honeymoon. Where they don't have Mountain Dew...

The week I spent in Nuevo Vallarta at the Grand Mayan resort was perfecto. But as many know, Mexico is a strictly Coca Cola country. They sell Pepsi, but not many other Pepsi products, such as Dew. I was sad... Extremely sad.

What I didn't drink in Dew, I made up for with margaritas. So I wasn't too sad. Or at least I can't remember if I was sad since I was quite inebriated for most of the trip.

But at least I don't smoke. On our flight from LAX into Puerto Vallarta, one man made the fatal mistake of smoking in the lavatory. He was quickly detained by a stewardess and then escorted off the plane by the authorities. Someone mentioned a $2,000 fine, which would be a lousy way to start off your vacation.

Our honeymoon activities included:

◗ Ziplining through the jungle from one tree-house to another on 163 meter-long cables. We were paired up with another young couple on their honeymoon. The guy's wife had a nervous breakdown in the middle of it and demanded to be taken back to the base. I tried to hold in my laughter as her husband kept asking sheepishly, "Is it okay if I stay?"

◗ Scuba diving with tropical fish on a remote island. It's truly a treat to see natural, government-protected, raw beauty. Las Marietas islands were jaw-dropping. The colorful fish swim right up to curious snorklers. If only we had remembered to bring batteries for our underwater digital camera...

◗ Las Caletas island. Not a true island, but deemed so because you can only access the cove by boat. We watched a contemporary play about old Mexican wedding rituals, infused with modern ballet. The giant flaming pyramid in the background was a nice touch.

While we stayed in "new" Vallarta, we still visited "Old Town." The famous boardwalk statues of mermaids and archangels made the 100-degree stroll less exhausting.

A highlight of our trip was getting to witness 20 or so baby turtles hatch on the beach and try to scurry into the ocean. The resort collected all of the babies in a bucket and took them to a "safe place" for them to grow a little larger before releasing them into the sea...

And of course, one can't forget about the food. My God, the food. I'd like to think that taco trucks are pretty close to the real deal, but when you grab fish ceviche or crab enchiladas, you can't help but swear-off Taco Bell altogether.

Lastly, we ended our week with massages. No grown man openly admits to scheduling a massage, but it surprisingly took little teeth-pulling to get Mr. Big to go with me. However, the price came with a four-hour time share presentation, where we met with six realtors. It was a test of endurance, which I don't really have. Hell, I get winded going up one flight of stairs.

Towards the end, I started getting angry...and thirsty...and I had to pee. Eventually it came down to a time share offer of no-money down and only $126 a month. Sounds pretty enticing, but we knew better not to trust them... And not to trust people who looked like they had had a lobotomy. Seriously, the last agent had a large scar on top of his forehead that went from temple-to-temple. I'd like to think it was because of a hair plug surgery gone wrong.

I was sad to leave Mexico. Who wouldn't like being waited on 24/7 and having Happy Hour every hour? But believe it or not, I was excited to come back to some cooler weather, see my dog and finally drink a Mountain Dew -- which I did at the Seattle airport (a gigantic rip-off considering a 20 oz bottle cost $3).

Even if we didn't go to Mexico for our honeymoon, we would have had a great time wherever we went. But for those single people out there who enjoy long walks on the beach -- get married, then honeymoon in Mexico. You can take plenty of those walks over there.