Tuesday, Jul. 21, 2009

Top 5 video game vixens

I got to thinking the other day (yes, I actually do think), and started compiling a list of my top 5 favorite video game vixens of all time. Like John Cusack in High Fidelity, I love to make lists...

Number 5
Of course no list could ever exclude someone from the Final Fantasy franchise. While FF has given us plenty of female characters to choose from, there are very few actual leads. The new FF boasts a female lead, but who knows when they'll actually release the game. So that leaves Yuna, Rikku, Rinoa, etc....

I'm going to have to go with Tifa Lockhart from Final Fantasy 7. Surprise, surprise. I don't know why men have an obsession with her -- what, with her long black hair, short leather skirt, ginormous boobs and ability to beat even the best lightweight boxers out there.

Yuna, the only female lead to my knowledge, was just too much of a pansy. She was the goodie-two-shoes next door who you just wanted to punch in the face. And then suddenly in Final Fantasy X-2, the creators wanted to skank her up with hot pants and guns? Didn't work for me. Take away her summoning skills and that's bordering too much on Tomb Raider territory.

Number 4
Kitana from Mortal Kombat. Remember - this is my list, not yours. Kitana was a beautiful fighter who wore a leotard long before Lady GaGa and Beyonce ever did.

She was the princess of Edenia and daughter of Queen Sindel. Kitana's evil clone Mileena hated her. She was basically the cheerleader that all the guys wanted to lay and all the girls wanted to bury behind the bleachers. Yet her love affair with Liu Kang was an actual relationship you wanted to succeed.

Still, this chick could fight with the best of them and climb that tournament pillar - even if you just used her one fan-move over and over and over and...

Number 3
Number two is Nariko from Heavenly Sword. Not only was this the only reason to actually buy a PS3 at the time, but this bad ass chick made wielding a 100 pound sword look effortless... Besides the whole stealing your soul and making you die if you used it too long, part.

Her long frame wrapped in a billowing bed sheet, paired with a British accent made her the hottest red head to come out of the animated world since Jessica Rabbit.

And sure, she kind of had this weird lesbian-thing with Kai, but she was a strong female lead who could rival Kratos from God of War... Maybe. If he was blind.

Number 2
Jill Valentine from Resident Evil. Let's face it - you've all wanted to do her. She's the more realistic, obtainable video game character thus far. She has a daytime job, she knows how to use a gun and she'll always come back for her partner if they're going to be eaten by zombies. You've watched her play Moonlight Sonata, put to work her botany skills by combining different herbs, and show off her running skills when she's out of ammo (which happened a lot). You can't beat a triple threat.

While I do have a special place in my heart for Ada Wong and the recently added Sheva from RE5, Valentine has been around the longest and has paid her dues in the form of less and less clothing.

Number 1
My number one fav. has got to be Lara Croft from Tomb Raider. I know a lot of people will disagree with me, but she was at the forefront of video game vixens. Sure, there was Chun Li, Sonya Blade and Ms Pac-Man - but you could never control that one person like you could Croft. No other character has caused millions of nerds to take to the message boards to find out if there really was a code that could make her nude. She was a shifty lady who chose adventure over settling down. And besides, she could do a handstand-pull-up from any height - even on the top of the Sphinx.

While her creators fumbled when it came to putting her into unique situations (Oh, she's trying to find an ancient artifact... AGAIN), they did manage to make up for it towards the end of the series. I'm sure we'll have a couple more TR games coming our way, but we'll always have her 300 pixelated original with pointy boobs and a knack for slipping from 100 feet and going "oomph" before becoming a lifeless ragdoll.

Why didn't I choose Zero Suit Samus or Sheik? They bore me. Sure, Sheik is considerably more bad ass than Zelda, but she doesn't do much except in Super Smash Bros. She is a girl dressed up as a dude. Ironically similar, nobody knew Samus was a hot chick until the very end of Metroid when she took off her helmet. To keep fanboys interested in the franchise, they created Zero Suit Samus, just in case you forgot she was an incredibly hot blond.

Other honorable mentions include:

- Ivy from Soulcalibur - it's never easy to do some MMA fighting in a thong and a whip.
- Michelle Chang from Tekken - She was always my favorite character to play as, but her generic "Hi-yah!"s and "Ohhh!"s made me always ask "What was her name again?"
- Chun Li from Street Fighter - A lot of you may be upset about this, but I don't care for Chun Li or her thunder thighs of death. She's just a walking contradiction - "I want to be taken seriously and avenge my family... Oops, don't look under my skirt, tee-hee! Yatta!!"
- Misty from Pokemon - Putting up with Ash for so many years without him getting the hint that she liked him is enough to drive a person crazy. Get some self-respect, woman.
- Princess Peach from Mario - The poster child for princesses everywhere. She's got the damsel-in-distress act down to a T, but with Bowser kidnapping her so many times, I'm starting to think she likes it.