Tuesday, Sep. 29, 2009

'Undead or Alive' living proof zombie movies are played out

By Ed Robertson, special to the Herald

Proof that zombie movies, grand as they are, are probably played out: when I do these theme months, I don't even have to try to find a zombie movie that fits the bill. I could probably do "Giant Space Crocodiles Who Conquer Earth for the Sole Purpose of Making Us All Pinochle-Slaves" Month, spend three seconds on the Netflix website, and have a theme-appropriate title in my mailbox the next day.

Western Month, is it? No problem. All I have to do is stroll across the street and rent 2007's Undead or Alive, the Chris Kattan vehicle America's been crying out for.

After a fight over a whore leaves lovestruck cowboy Kattan and soldier James Denton in jail next to a zombie, they're not inclined to stick around. They're pursued almost immediately by crooked sheriff Matt Besser and his posse, who spread the zombie curse across the countryside.

I will say this for Undead or Alive: the cause of its zombie plague (Native American curse) is fairly original. I guess you have to get creative when your movie's set in the days before viral research and barrels of toxic ooze. Writer/director Glasgow Phillips takes a similarly free attitude toward the rules of his world. Other than that night I ended up having to take my sleepwalking roommate to the emergency room, I don't remember the last time a headshot didn't kill a zombie.

Other than that, it just makes too many tradeoffs. CG gore instead of practical effects. (CG: great for dinosaurs, not great for entry wounds.) A woman who's a 9 but can't act instead of a 7 who can. (I assure you, this is a crime.) A completely unnecessary "meanwhile, back in town" sideplot that gives us a few more zombies at the cost of the main story.

The first two problems may be byproducts of a low budget, but the third is inexcusable. Kattan delivers his finest performance, meaning the first time I didn't want to punch him in the face and run away, but with their screen time shared with that irrelevant sideplot, the main characters don't have time to do much besides argue about anachronistic scholarship and trade generic '00s-style quips.

It picks up once the massive blunderbuss gets involved, but that's pretty much a given. Even then, it's moderately fun, no more. When the best you can say about a zombie movie is "Well, the shovel decapitation was cool. Oh, and Brian Posehn," it's time to watch Dawn of the Dead for the 243rd time instead.